Why Doris Hates (the idea of) Vegetarianism (especially in restaurants)

I don't eat vegetarian. Ever.

That's not true. I do. And I did.

Yesterday, I tried a vegetarian place with some good friends of mine for lunch. And they can tell you that I ate a veggie burger (with peanuts in it). I know. How frightful!

Quite frankly, I hate vegetarian food. Actually, that's not really true either. I don't mind food that's actually vegetarian as long as they don't advertise it as such. Does that even make sense? Maybe not. So let me explain, because I did a lot of thinking on this yesterday, after I ate that disgustingly dry piece of cardboard vegetable shit...

The idea of having to eat vegetarian just repulses me. I don't know if it's because I feel like I'm being restricted or if I really just want to eat some animals during my lifetime here. It's probably the latter. I like the idea of eating poor innocent animals that can't help themselves but be so tasty. That's right, I'm a sociopath of sorts and here's your first clue should you one day want to use this against me.

It's strange that when I eat things that are really just vegetarian, but not advertise as such, I don't get as repulsed by it. Maybe it does have something to do with losing my freedom or feeling like I'm on a diet. Or maybe it's because places that serve real vegetarian food without advertising it, actually make it tasty because they don't rely on the word "veggie" to sell their product.

Either way, I know I hate the idea of being restricted when I eat. This will probably explain why I can never follow any religion full-heartedly because most religions have some rules on when you can or can't eat right? I am not sure yet about the Christians, but having to eat turkey on Thanksgiving is a sort of diet in itself isn't it?

Anyway, I hate diets. The connotations of that word brings up nothing but images of thin-again-and-fat-again Oprah and juice-guzzling old men with more musculature than a doped up Arnold. It's the kind of craze that makes skinny people want to be thinner and fat people want to be thinner. Although, I think a few days of dieting makes fat people want to eat the skinny people due to the faulty logic of if I eat something that's fat free (skinny person) then I will ultimately lose weight (not true).

So really, I think I don't like the idea of vegetarianism because I've linked it to the world of "dieting" and trying to be healthier (but in fact, trying to lose weight). But that's my personal issue with vegetarianism. I know lots of people are vegetarians for lots of different reasons and some of them might not be lying. But I bet lots of them want to be skinny off this effort too. And if I want to be skinny, of course I'll eat "vegetarian" because so many restaurants don't do it right that it's really hard to finish your food.

This brings me to the next point, which is vegetarian food that's not advertised as such, usually tastes better. Now of course, the neurotic-paranoid-conspiracy theorist in me say that it's probably just because they add chunks of beef in it instead of beans and chunks of chicken to replace what they call soy, but assuming that's not so, I think it's got to do with advertising.

For most restaurants to sell their food, unless it's hockey night in Vancouver and they've got a big-screen TV, they really need to make it tasty. But it seems like there aren't that many vegetarian plates on menus of most restaurants, so when they do, they don't need to do it right to sell it. All they have to do is slap on the word: Vegetarian, and they're bound to sell a good amount of it. Now I'm not sympathizing with vegetarians, God forbid I do that, but I'm just saying that most places don't need to cater to veggie taste buds because unlike us blessed omnivores, we can't say that the veggie burger at "Jim's Dinner" is shit, so we'll order a juicy succulent meaty burger instead.

To make my point, I have to confess that I actually ate vegetarian food last night too. That's right folks, for the first time here, I've admitted to going a whole day without any sort of meat (I don't think I even had any eggs in my food unless that veggie burger for lunch was held together by eggs.. that would explain the dryness). I had rice, with pickled cucumbers and this greasy-goodness called Korean seaweed. I also had some pan-friend tofu with sweet soy sauce and a perfectly crunchy and delectable dish of bok-choy in black bean sauce. Now, here you might say that I'm just a great chef. To that I admit, but I didn't make this meal myself. My boyfriend, who may or may not have previous cooking experience, did all the work.

I know I'm not very good at seeing if things are vegetarian (are T-bone steaks vegetarian, because they T is really not like meat right?) but I'm sure my dinner was vegetarian. And quite frankly, it was a really good meal. Everything had flavour, nothing was unnecessarily grainy or "granola" tasting. Granted, I might not have gotten as much fiber as my cardboard burger, but it's nothing that a glass of Metamucil (or for you with more expensive tastes, Greens+) won't fix.

Anyway, I think next time I go out, I'll definitely be avoiding the vegetarian foods, but maybe if not for the points above, it's for the fact that when you change your diet, things happen in your stomach that you really don't want to talk about. So for now, I'll open a window, eat a steak for breakfast and hope for a better tomorrow.